Five Things I've Discovered About Danish Apartment Dwelling

It’s been three weeks now since the family and I touched down in Denmark and what an adventure it has already been! There’s so much to say about what it’s like here and what we’ll be doing, but since we got COVID within the first week of our arrival, we’ve been mostly confined to our small temporary apartment. It’s been cozy and nice for the most part but it also means the kids have been on an extended winter break since the middle of December. Fellow parents of young children, you know EXACTLY what state I’m in currently. ::grins through gritted teeth::

Since I don’t have anything else to say about that at the moment, please enjoy this list of things I’ve learned so far about living in an apartment in Denmark:

Voila! Welcome to our tiny temporary kitchen!

If it looks like a hallway, it’s something else. Apparently, Danish architects of yore were obsessed with adding more doors to connect every room to every OTHER room rather than building an adjacent hallway. This is actually an economical way to use a small space so I’m all for it, but you can imagine my surprise when it turned out the only long, narrow space you’d assume was a hallway in our temporary apartment is a…kitchen! And while this choice could be labeled economical as well, I wouldn’t call it a *functional* one. Some people complain that galley kitchens are difficult to maneuver in, but this hallway kitchen takes it to the next level. Not only can no one walk into the kitchen if the refrigerator or dishwasher doors are open, but you also can’t actually walk past anyone who is preparing a meal at the counter without squishing yourself into them or rubbing your jeans on the wall behind you! My husband and I have already gotten annoyed with each other when one person needs to come in and the other person needs to get out at the same time. If there is a Rules of the Road for one-person-wide spaces, please let me know!

Feast your eyes on your newest form of exercise!

Buns of steel. Several aspects of Danish city life revolve around how people propel themselves through space. Bicycle commuters are truly everywhere at all times of the day, and not the kind I know you’re picturing: the hardcore courier in head-to-toe spandex with thick messenger bag thrown over their back, weaving in and out of traffic with an apparent death wish? No, that’s not what I mean. I have seen people on bikes from ages 1 to 91, no joke. Whether they are miniature riders in baby buckets on the handlebars or so old that you are worried about them as they whisk by, people are chugging along in designated, often elevated lanes at whatever speed suits them. What does this have to do with apartment life, you ask? Well, if you are well-conditioned on a bike, you will likely be well-conditioned to climb the 5 flights of stairs to your pre-war apartment every day and night. Elevator? Nope. And if you’re not in shape now, ohhh you will be after dragging yourself up the stairs with bags of groceries. Or just a *single* bag, like the Danes do. Which means they’re at the store almost daily! Either way, you’ll have weights for your hands as you use your new Stairmaster. Admirers of your butt will be grateful!

This threshold into the bathroom might qualify as a toenail trimmer, I've clipped my toes so many times on it!

Watch your toes! We’re currently in an old building, likely built in the late 19th century, so every floor in every room is uneven with each other (settling? Over a century of flooring replacements?). Beautiful wooden thresholds attempt to make up the difference between rooms but the results are built-in tripping hazards at every turn. Each member of my family has found out the hard way that these things are bulky AND hard and will leave you in throbbing pain if underestimated. Luckily no one has broken a toe (yet) but if it happens, at least we have healthcare! If you asked me if I ever thought I’d have to hurdle over a threshold with a sprint to avoid pain and misery, that would have been an easy no. Who knew moving abroad would include recalibrating your body awareness to accommodate new physical spaces and their surroundings? Hah! Couldn’t be me.

Hello, five-hour cycle and the 4 loads of laundry that will take all week to complete!

Energy-efficient does not equal time-efficient. It’s typical to have in-unit laundry in apartments here, but the process of laundry is—you guessed it—different! Often in small spaces, washers and dryers are ONE machine, not two! And they often aren’t vented to the outside, which means that drying cycles take longer and collect moisture in a different way. Some machines have collection reservoirs that you have to empty out! I’ve never seen such a thing. Anyway, these machines were designed to be more energy-efficient, so what that essentially translates to in the process is: it takes *forever* to wash a single load of laundry. How long? HOURS. There’s a wash and dry cycle on our machine that sanitizes its contents…for five hours. Every other combo wash and dry cycle is at least four hours, and sometimes the machine adjusts times depending on how much moisture is still left in the wash. And and and! Sometimes when you take it out, IT’S STILL WET. So you dry it on a drying rack. Yup. I was totally aghast about this because I am a spoiled American and I want things done NOW YESTERDAY but this is Just. How. It. Is. And you can forget about running your dishwasher at the same time! In the name of climate change, I accept your wet laundry, Denmark.

Yogurt, eggs, and fruit are feeling awfully lonely here...

Your refrigerator will drive you to drink. Here’s the good news: your refrigerator will not hand you a drink or pour it down your gullet. But what it will do is remind you that you have an empty bottle rack that is taking up space and oh, wouldn’t it look lovely with several bottles of lovely libations sitting pretty every time you open the door? Yes, yes, it would. Drinking alcohol is an ingrained part of the culture here so much so that standard-issue refrigerators come with wine racks, and there’s something very satisfying about putting things in their designated place. The Danes make it easy to imagine. While I don’t drink as much alcohol now as I used to (I’m old now? Question mark?) I will certainly keep a few bottles in there for entertaining or special occasions and all will feel right in my refrigerator. Skål!